Pet Rock Name Generator

Pet rock names work best when they lean into the joke. The whole charm of a pet rock is that it does nothing, so a name that implies personality (Rocky, Sir Sits-a-Lot, Lazy Larry) or plays on geology (Sedimentary Sam, Gneiss Guy, Taken for Granite) gets a laugh every time someone asks. The classic choices are Dwayne, after The Rock, and Rocky, and there is nothing wrong with either; they are the pet rock equivalent of naming a dog Buddy.

If puns are not your style, look at what the rock actually is. A smooth grey river stone suits Pebbles, Cobble, or Smoothie; a dark glassy piece suits Obsidian or Onyx; a crumbly pale one is Chalky or Limestone Liz. Mountains and famous stones make dignified names for a larger specimen (Everest, Gibraltar, Uluru, Stonehenge), and mineral names like Jasper, Mica, Agate, and Flint double as perfectly good pet names. Sedate, old-fashioned human names (Gerald, Mabel, Bartholomew) are funny precisely because they make the rock sound like a retiree.

For a painted rock or a classroom rock, match the name to the face you gave it. Googly eyes and a grin call for Chip, Nugget, or Bam-Bam; a serious brow calls for Professor Pebble or Baron von Basalt. Keep the name short enough to write on the bottom in marker.